Wednesday, 19 February 2014

Does porn determine your wants in life?

Does the type of porn you watch define you as a person and show what you want in a relationship? The answer is yes.
Porn is awesome. We all watch it. And those who say they don't, lie. But do the videos define you and what you want romantically? I have done some extensive research (hours of porn) and have conducted a study (asked my fellow porn obsessed friends) to solve this mystery. So here you go, a list of the porn you watch = what you want in a relationship.
1. Gay porn. 

I think tho means you want to fuck men.

2. Everyday heterosexual porn.

You want a normal, stable relationship. No dramas. Just you and your partner. Living a boring but stable life.

3. Anal porn.

This means you want a relationship that's exciting and different. But still a relationship nonetheless.

4. BDSM 

You are kinky as fuck. You want someone to dominate you/or be dominated in a relationship. It can mean you want someone else to control your life for a change. Or you want to control someone else's. It can also mean you like being tied up.

5. Gangbangs.

You really want a group sexual experience. Whether with multiple people at the same time, or to just date a few people at the same time. You are a bit of a hoe.

6. Lesbian porn.

If you're a girl, then you want to fuck girls. If you're a guy, this means you want a gentle and calm relationship. You want romance and butterflies. You sound like a bit of a pansy.

7. Interracial porn. 

This means you secretly want to date a black girl/Latino girl. If you are a skinny white dude, this proves a challenge. So you wank to them instead. It's probably their butts.

8. Hentai Porn.

This means you love Anime. And in cartoons possibilities are endless. The little school girl/demon tentacle monster are really hard to come by in realistic porn. You don't even know what you want in life. But you do want to know if Yoshi will please brother. And she.

Saturday, 18 January 2014

Dolun Duk knows what I mean.

I've had a very productive and crazy week. And I've learned some things along the way. So without further ado, here are the highlights. 
1. If you start your night by watching twilight and eating chocolate, you will eventually end up doing coke in a stranger's apartment. That's just how it is.
2. Betting on horses at the races is incredibly confusing, and it doesn't matter how promising the name of the horsey is. You will lose! 
3. If a guy who is taken is suddenly nice to you, and tells you about his life, he is lining up something after his break up. Beware!
4. Fake boobs look and feel amazing. I am still impressed.
5. If a guy uses a funny line, or a cute joke, and that makes you feel special, it's a trap! He has used it on others before you. Therefore deeming it safe.
6. Sometimes it's ok to feel feelings. I know, who would have thought? 

Tuesday, 14 January 2014

A Day At The Zoo

I have been begging someone (anyone) to take me to the zoo for years. 3 to be exact. Now it has finally happened. We went to Taronga Zoo, which was awesome, but a BIT pricey. Also, for some reason, most of the animals were either asleep or being sexual. So here are the pics :)

Tuesday, 24 December 2013

Merry Christmas my loves.

So I don't celebrate Christmas. I mean, not really. But i do enjoy receiving gifts. So this year my dad had the right idea. Money transferred into my account. Awesome. I can now afford more crack than usual. #festivities.
My mother however, thinks she knows what people need. She gave me one of those extra zoom mirrors. So now, I can see everything that's wrong with my face. Thanks mum. And god bless.

Monday, 23 December 2013

Acid can be amazing...

So the other day, for research, I tried some drugs. The things I do for this blog... Anyway they were fantastic. Now I'm not staying that very one should try them at lest once in their lives... Except I am... So here is a list of some awesome drugs, and how you will/won't react to them.

Tuesday, 10 December 2013

How to get girls to like you.

So none of my friends have ever asked me for Dating advice. From this I concluded that they already know everything. But then I took a look at their stupid game boy playing, Pokemon talking, final fantasy owning ways and decided- they don't know shit. 

So friends, here is an educational little tutorial for you, on how to get girls. 

1. Be your self motherfucker! 
Can't stress this enough. You can pretend to be a little more awesome at first to grab a girl's attention, but eventually she will figure out that all those Mean Girls references you keep making were googled. 

2. Be funny. 
Us girls love someone who can make us laugh. If its at you or at the hobo dying on the street, it doesn't matter. We like you more.

3. Be confident.
I know we're scary. With all our hair, makeup  and prettyness. But you have to understand that we want to be talked to. If we didn't, then we would wear a ponytail and clothes from Vinnies. Show confidence and we're intrigued.

4. Take pride in your appearance.
Now I'm not saying you have to look like brad Pitt... But... Well that would help. Think sexy guys that girls love, like Ryan Gosling (god knows why), Hugh Jackman (sexy wolverine) and Carrot Top (obviously).

5. Be nice but a little distant.
Girls like nice guys... But not too nice. Of you're too nice, you automatically get friend-zoned. So be all sexy and mysterious. We love that.

Hopefully that helped. And if you're gay.. Well just make eye contact. And if they make eye contact back, you're in! :) 

Tuesday, 3 December 2013

Lesbian Time

So the other day a customer came up to me and asked me out. He was nice enough so I wanted to let him down easy. 

So I told him I wasn't interested because I was a lesbian. 
His reaction was extraordinary. 
"OMG!!" He said. "I am so sorry, gosh, I don't know how I didn't notice it, it's so obvious!" 

Wait, what? 

Should I be proud or should I stop wearing flanno and no make up to work? 

Saturday, 30 November 2013

Karaoke Madness

I've never been a big fan of Karaoke... Until last night. Singing badly in from of your friends. Them being too drunk to notice.. Great fun. And happy birthday to my homegirl Carla. Girl, you can sing like nobody's business.